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Tales of IT converted to plain text for the sake of legibility

I got hired by my Dad to do IT. I know very little about IT besides games. These are my IT stories. be first day
 > woman asks me if I can install the latest version of adobe reader > fuck ya I got this DL like a boss > "Wow you're like a computer expert" > "Well you know..." > Asked to input admin credentials > forget admin credentials > try admin:password > nope.jpg > "uhhhh... uhhhh... oh crap somethings going on with the server.. be right back" > 3 months later she still doesn't have adobe reader 
be day 2
 > angry guy is on the phone asking me about some weird in house program > have no idea what the fuck he's saying > there's a pause > he's waiting for an answer > think back to the IT crowd > "Have you tried turning it on and off again" > "Like restarting" > "Give me a sec..." > it fucking worked 
day 3
 > hot sales rep comes in with laptop issues > she's 9/10 cougar > all flirty with me > tells me she needs something updated > can only hear her boobs > her laptop smells like strawberrys > download adobe reader for her and hand it back 
day 4
 > figure out how to turn off the servers > when people start asking for help > go into server room > turn off servers > come out oblivious and start downloading adobe reader > eventually people start screaming > THE SITES DOWN! THE SITES DOWN! > "I'm on it!" > run back to the server room > play hotline miami in the back for few hours > turn server back on near end of day > come out of server room > wipe brow from face > "I did it..." > people are singing my praises saying i saved the day > really just saved the girlfriend in HM 
day 5
 > run into cougar at coffee machine > ask her how things are going, just a general statement > instantly thinks im talking shop > starts telling me all the shit wrong with her computer > she doesn't see me as a human > she sees me as an it > tell her to drop off her laptop > she does > I upgrade her ie > download adobe reader > restart the machine > everythings fucking working > run it back to her > fix my hair > check my breath > act like I saved the day > she's in her office on the phone > she motions to put on her desk >1 do...kind of linger > "Is that everything hun?" > leave > hear her say "oh it was just IT" > just IT > that is all I am now 
day 6
 > really bored > decide to download a gameboy emulator and play some pokemon > the webfilters blocking it so I turn it off the whole thing I dont just whitelist it, I turn it all off > get to emulator site but now I need to turn off the antivirus > use the admin which I now know to do it... > end up turning off the whole antivirus settings on the server > download my emulator and rom > play my game > guy comes into my office > "I think I caught I virus" > me "gotta catch em all" > by the time I'm facing Misty 4 people have viruses 
day 7
 > same guy that was yelling at me day 2 is yelling at me > he cant remotely log in just as I am about to leave to go home > "Try turning it off then on again then call me back" > go home 
day 8
 > guy call from day 7 calls back > he's pissed > tells me he lost a client because of my stupidity > "shit happens man. I lost to team rocket like 10 minute ago" > "what the fuck are you talking about?" > click 
day 9
 > one of the printers is out of toner > some fat guy tells me to change it > "it's a toner man... can't you change it? I'm working on this huge issue with the server" > was really downloading steam > "it'll take a second... god I have much more important stuff to do... that's why you're here" > sigh and go do it > cant figure out how to fucking open the fucking cartridge door > start hitting it like they do in zoolander > tell the poor mentally challenged guy in the mail room I have a special job for him > he has to hide the magic egg in the chest of Hewlet Packard > go back to my server business > half an hour later the fat guy comes into my office > "What the fuck did you do to the printer?" > "Changed the toner" > He just starts shaking his head and muttering shit > we walk over to it > the mailroom guy jammed the cartridge in the wrong way and actually lodged it in there so half of it is sticking out > the door cant even close > there's black hand prints all over the printer too > Can feel the guy judging me so I just spew bullshit > "Looks to be a probably with the network." > the printer was down for over a month before I figured out we have a printer guy on call 
day 10
 > have to set up projector in the boardroom > cant find a thunderbolt to hdmi cable to hook it up to lazy to go to the store > dont even have a corporate card either > tell the people needing the projector that there's a compatibility issue with macbooks > they use some guys dellbook > the files from the mac end up not running on the dellbook > call me in mid meeting > all these business people staring at me as I am randomly clicking folders as fast as possible to look like I am pro > download adobe reader > double click files > works > "Thanks Anon, you saved me" 
day 11
 > there's a new hire > no one fucking told me anything > get screamed at that theres no computer for this new person > go in back to see if we have any spares > there's a few > but there's also some really old pcs from like the early 90's > boot it up > works > set up new person > everything lags > you open adobe reader? massive fucking lag > send out the computer > "it's the best we've got on short notice" > get like 40 sharepoint tickets the first day from that person > he's a real stickler for help > he ends up quitting the very next week saying he can't work under these conditions 
day 12
 > someones computer crashed > fuuuuuuuuck > set up computer > remember something about profiles being saved on the network > go back to the server room > look at the server rack like a total idiot as I try and figure out in my head how this works > tell the guy all his data is lost and there's nothing I can do > "b-b-bbut my project... i have to present that to the board on friday..." > "gone, man. It's gone" > play sim theme park the rest of the day 
day 13
 > roll up to work an hour late > whole office is in chaos > fallofrome.jpg > "HE'S HERE!" > Go in to my office open up mail > dozens of emails like: > "Hey is there something wrong with the server I can't log in to..." > "Any idea why the site is down I..." > the server is actually down > adobe reader can't save me now > "Just go back there and do what you did last time!" > everyone thinks its an easy solve > literally shaking in the server room because I don't know what to do > nap in server room for entire day > people are pissed can hear them banging on server door > we've missed deadlines > leave at 6:30 pm > the CFO sees me in the parking lot > hes been in a meeting all day doesn't know about my struggles > "You're still here?! That's the kind of can-do attitude I like to see" 
day 14
 > server is still down > my dads asking questions > everyone is pissed > take an early lunch > over hear some guys at the restaurant talking about buying a new modem for the office > hailmary.jpg > "Hey sorry to bother you during your lunch...but would either of you happen to be IT?" > before either of them could read me the riot act and tell me something like how the fuck dare I > I'm IT too > I show them my hand that I scratched up crawling wire on the floor > they nod > "What would you try doing if your server is completely fucked?" > "Have you tried restarting it?" > I go back and restart the physical machine > it fucking works 
day 15
 > hot cougar walks by office looking distressed > "Everything okay?" > "Oh good... I can't log into my email... can you please help me... PLEASE" > "I got you." > get her laptop > re-install microsoft office > outlook works again > poke through her emails to make sure things are working > send a test file > read the titles of her latest emails > "Divorce" > hand back her laptop > "Looks like its working now" > "Thanks..." > "Everything okay?" > "Well..." > this is fucking it, tell me your sob stories cougar woman and then its or > "My mouse is acting a bit funny, can I get a new one" 
day 16
 > one of the mailroom guy's monitors isn't working > it's coming up all green > backstory: there's been a huge misappropriation of funds because I gave him dual monitors just because he's a mentally challenged and I figured if anyone needs 2 screens its him > all he does is look at msn slideshows > and use the fedex webapp or something > he's a nice guy so I actually try and fix it for him > nothings working > think its a driver issue > think its a setting issue > think its an actual hardware issue > whole time people are coming to me with real problems but I keep saying "I'll be there in a minute" > after 2 hours the mailroom guy goes > "maybe da pug ish boken" > I swapped out the hdmi cable with a brand new one > it worked > I officially am less adept at my job then a poor mentally challenged guy 
day 17
 > nice old woman who talks to me about sports tells me her keyboard is shit > she's oldest person in the office by far > old as dirt > tell her I have just the thing > go in the back and unbox a brand new keyboard meant for the programmers > bring it to the old woman > "You're such a helpful young man" > reach down awkwardly to plug in the new keyboard > get back up and dust pants off > old lady looks like she's having a heart attack > look at the screen > it's fucking blank > on my way back up to my feet I hit the power button > she lost 3 hours of work > 3 hours that old woman will never ever see again 
day 18
 > company meeting > we're over budget > there has been ridiculous spending > "we've lost money for almost a month > day 18 > almost a month > they are going to out me > IT budget comes up in discussion > we're one of 2 departments that are coming under budget > "Great job Anon. I heard about the server issues here... you're the man" > at the end of the meeting a 45 year old events planner asks me if I fix computers on the side > "Not really..." > "Oh... I have this one blasted thing that needs fixing. You couldn't just come over and fix it?" > bullshit > for a laugh I say, "yeah it's cool, just give me your address and I'll be over after work" > not sure if I'm getting sex > buy condoms > she's not that hot like a 6/10 tops > not even going to lie > last call kind of hot > arrive at her house > ring the door bell while standing all suave leaned up against the door > her husband answers the door > shows me to the computer > install the latest version of adobe reader > get $20 > go home 
day 19
 > some guy crashes a program so I have to reinput the settings > go onto his cubicle mates computer > check settings > 2 hours later > "You wrecked my computer... I want my fucking computer back exactly how it was I don't know what you did but somethings off my usb drive is buzzing..." > wtf > I didnt do shit to your computer. I checked a program you open 20 times a day > super pissed so I go back into the server room and play Thomas Was None > hear knock on server room door > its the cubtclemate > "Hey, Thanks for fixing it. > "Fixing what?" > "The my usb drive" > I didn't do shit lol > "Oh yeah don't mention it" 
day 20
 > spend entire day cleaning the server room up > getting it all nice > just unplugging network cables wily nifty so I can colour coordinate them > people are losing their shit > they are randomly getting kicked off > tell people there are some issues with our isp > I make sure to say I-S-P as I have now learned by spelling in abbreviations no matter how common makes you sound techy > by the end of the day the server rack is all classy looking > unfortunately I never mapped anything and a handful of people can't connect because their ports aren't connected to anything > tell them the I-S-P will have it done ASAP and go home 
day 21
 > now that the server room is all clean I set up all the test boxes in the back > 8 machines in total all connected to the network > try joining monitors all together like you see on cool threads, you know like the racing ones? > realize these are shit old monitors and you can't do that > come up with the great idea of bitcoin mining with these boxes > set it up for the first half of the day > after lunch I'm mining > terribly but I am mining > people start complaining about server lag > blame the lag on the olympics > suggest that the whole office must be streaming it > ban the olympics on the web filter > office is divided; can see the divide in my email > people who are pissed about not being able to watch the olympics > and the keeners who think its all work and no play at work > I've officially gained power though, people respect me for making this mandate > "He's a real company guy" 
day 22
 > its birthday day > office celebrates all the months birthdays > take cake > set up n64 in the boardroom > challenge people in the office to goldeneye > keep saying "Hey I'm just taking a 5 minute break for some cake want a quick game?" > own the shit out of all of them > realize I did absolutely nothing all day but eat cake and game > no one ever noticed 
day 23
 > cougar calls in from the road > she's having trouble accessing a key app for a client on her ipad > she tells me its name > have no idea what it is > but make sure to sound astute > ask her if she's using WIFI or 3G > "How do I check" > "Nevermind let me check from my maincore system" > google the app but nothing comes up > ask one of the other sales people > "oh it's just an infographic on our main site" > tell the hot cougar to come into the office because it's going to require me to hardcode the changes in > she drives 2 hours to come to the office so I can open up Safari and bookmark it to her ipad homepage 
I'll continue this tomorrow, believe it or not there's an ending to this but I can't get to it today.
day 24
 > people heard from the 45 year old events planner I do house calls > bunch of idiots are bringing in their home computers, mobile devices, anything technical for me to fix > tell people I can only do it after hours and I charge $20 for small stuff and $50 for large. > most of it is simple fixes > windows updates or adobe reader installs fix it > but then I get it > the laptop from hell > this fat indian guy hands me his laptop in a plastic bag, not a laptop bag, a plastic one > "What's wrong with it?" > "You tell me genius" > Load it up and it's asking for some system restore or something. > just hit next and okay > fixes it but it says I need to load chkdisk? > figure that has something to do with the cd drive > open it up > there's a thick fucking layer of bread crumbs in the tray > tilted the machine to its side > motherfucking bread crumbs just pouring out of the laptop > restart the machine > it loads perfectly > turns out the guy was using it as a tray for his morning bagel > fucking toaster laptops 
Hi AV its the IT guy from yesterday
day 25
 > even though I'm shit at IT > one guy thinks because I am IT I am super techy > he asks me what my favourite browser is > "Google.... Ultron" > "it like chrome?" > shit thats what I meant > "yeah...but better...it's what nasa uses" > "cool could you dl that for me?" > gulp > "yeah no worries" > literally start shaking the mouse back and forth so fast you can see the cursor > then ctrl alt deleted into task manager > "there....you go. All done. It looks like google chrome. but its really ultron. no one else can tell." > to this day he still thinks he runs google ultron 
day 26
 > some woman calls me over > "it'll just take a sec, it's super simple" > shit > asks me to hook her up to a new printer > she hops out of her chair and lets me sit down > forget how to add network printers > her and her friend are talking right over my shoulder staring at the screen > "Is this going to take long?" > I fake deep thought as I stare at the screen with one hand on my temple > "Anon? I have a deadline is this going to..." > "What the fuck..." > both of the women are startled > "THERE'S A VIRUS ON THIS MACHINE" > and I just storm off like I'm pissed 
day 27
 > learn about a remote access tool that the whole office uses > decide to haunt the old nice old lady from before > i randomly move the mouse for a few hours > she struggles to do basic tasks > she comes and asks me for a new mouse > oblige her > hook it up and leave > look back at remote tool > mouse is moving again, she opens up word > I begin to type > "Hi" > no response > "Hi > "Hello? Who is this?" > "It's death :(" 
day 28
 > a guy asks me to burn him a copy of a dvd for a presentation > holy fuck I know how to do that > burn it for him > march back down to his office, proudly holding the dvd high in the air > Woman tries to stop me "Hey can you..." > "Not now... I've got IT business to attend to" > hand the guy his burned dvd > this might be one of the first things IVe done right here > tear in my eye > so proud of how far I have come > I am true IT > 5 minutes later I get a call "Hey...yeah there's nothing on the dvd..." 
day 29
 > give new hire her new laptop > nothing is fucking setup right > forgot to hook up her outlook to exchange > no worries she did it herself > cool > she asks me if I can type in the admin credentials so she can dl some social media tool > "Sure" > fuck up the login credentials like 3 times and get locked out > have to unlock it from my machine > can't figure it out but go back because I left my gameboy in her office > she starts making small talk > "So where'd you go to school to become an IT person?" > she's fucking on to me > try logging in once more to admin account > locked out still > "Yeah... you know what? I think this Hootsuite extension is a virus. I don't want that shit on my network" 
day 30
 > here's where shit starts to really hit the fan > as you know i had setup a bitcoin mining rig in the server room > it was just eating up all the bandwidth > the whole network was barely operational > and now because of my ineptitude and blaming things on viruses people started a rumour > that the whole network was being attacked by a rogue hacker group > after lunch I get pulled into a meeting by with all the execs > the jig is up > "As you know we've been experiencing a multitude of issues with our network..." > I'm fucked > "from the lag to the viruses" > so fucked > "We want you to head up the investigation and find out who's doing this and why" > ROFL > I am the fucking dirty cop on the force who's tasked with finding the dirty cop > I am the fucking law 
day 31
 > tell people I'm running server calibrations > "it's like dusting for finger prints" > no one's the wiser > show this one middle aged guy with a beard how to use a webapp > go to favourite it for him and put it on the toolbar > notice all of his favourites > Big titty housewife > Pajama Butt Slut > Mexican girl on bus > mouse over them as I mouth read them > he starts freaking out > begs me not to tell > "Why shouldn't I?" > "Ill buy you lunch" > got 10 chicken nuggets 
day 32
 > for some reason the entire office is having to fill in a captcha every time they google anything > have no idea why this happening > Google ultron guy asks me if this has to do with the virus and if he should be backing up his data > "First. Always back up your data." > he nods to my tech savvy > "Second. It's a security measure INce put in place. There are robots afoot." > he nods again like my word is law 
day 33
 > Ultron guy blabs and tells everyone about google ultron > now everyone in the fucking office has a sharepoint ticket asking for it to be installed > a few of the more competent people are asking me what the fuck google ultron is > I just give them finger guns until they walk away > have to spend entire day going from desktop to desktop pretending to dl google ultron > literally spend 3-4 hours pretending to dl software that nasa uses > one girl asks me if this even legal > "Are you a cop?" > she reports me to HR for "criminal like behaviour > have already explained to HR what google ultron is... > HR thinks its real > HR thinks nasa uses it > HR tells the narc to stop interfering with important technological matters because the narc doesnt know anything about IT like me > doesnt know anything about IT like me 
day 34
 > been playing portal 2 all day in my office > haven't heard so much as a complaint > haven't had to update adobe reader or adobe flash all fucking day > something's not right > no one's said shit about it > poke my head out of the office > everyone's heads down just typing away > starting to get worried > ask a guy how his computer is working > "Great. Ever since you downloaded Google Ultron, my whole computer has just been flying" > wtf > do a quick google search on google chrome > supposedly it automatically downloads the most up to date versions of adobe > omfg > if I don't have fucking adobe reader I'm fucking out of a job > send out mass email > ATTN: do not open google ultron it has been hacked > spend rest of day uninstalling and making IE the default browser 
day 35
 > people are becoming restless with the hackevirus stuff > they wonder why I haven't solved the case yet > some even believe its not a hacktivst group like I've been hinting > "We're not just dealing with amateurs here. We're dealing with the best. And that's why I need to update your antivirus scanner" > just to strike the fear into people I covertly turn on the computer of a person who's sick and stationed right in the middle of one of the larger areas > turn off her monitor > put speakers full > then go back to office and remote in > play Wham's Jitterbug at 3 second intervals throughout the day > eventually people Start coming to my office to report this > I nod > it's worse than I thought > "What? What is it?" > it's the Jitterbug gang. One of the world's best hacking groups" > "I've never heard of them." > "That's why they're the best" 
day 36
 > check messages > local police called > FUUUUCK > need to speak with me since I am IT about recent hacks on our organization > delete message > cougar comes into my office > asks if I can adjust her desktop so the wallpaper changes every couple of minutes > "Sure." > head over there with her > she tells me she's getting a divorce > "Oh." > Says she's actually starting to date again and it's pretty awkward > fuck it > "Wanna maybe grab a beer sometime after work?" > she laughs > "What? I mean why not?" > "You're joking right? You're IT..." > my eyes well up as I stare at adobe prompts me that reader has a new update > "Just gonna download this." 
day 37
 > feeling like shit today > cougar told her sales friends that I tried asking her out > people are laughing behind my back > can hear the whispers > "eww haha IT?!!! ewwwwww" > want to just open up a computer and jump through the moving cpu fan > mean sales guy who usually calls (yeah that one) stops by office > "My laptops not working" > I trudge over to his desk with him > hit the power button for a reset > don't say anything and just walk away > "If that's all you ever do.. Why do we need you?' > turn around > "what?" > "if you only ever just restart my computer... why are we paying you? I can restart my own damn computer" > grin > "Have you ever repaired a server here? Do you know how hard it is to get it operational? Remember how we were down for a day and a half?" > he shakes his head > "That's what I thought." > of course I just restarted it lol 
day 38
 > still feel like shit after the cougar shut me down > decide to block 1 major site on the webfilter every hour > feel like the Joker doing it > first youtube > then ebay > then reddit > hear the moans from people as they read my webfilter note > "This is a place of work not a fun house" > One woman storms into office > "This is not funny...this is serious" > "Why so serious?" I ask her > "I need you to unblock ebay" > lot seriously > "I HAVE AN AUCTION ENDING IN 5 MINUTES!" > put it back on the safe list > but it was too late > she missed out on her cellphone case > mwhahahahaha 
day 39
 > an "investigator" comes to the office > the execs were worried that we had too much to lose and wanted to bring in a professional > I'm fucked > show him around the office > he keeps asking to see the server room > "And this is Carol. She's a riot. Aren't you Carol" > doing everything I can to stall > we go back into the server room > he compliments me on how neat the cables are > think about picking up a monitor and bashing his skull in and then running away to mexico > cant do it > I'm not a monster > I'm IT > the guy goes onto the server > asks me for the login info > figure the jig is up > give it to him > he logs in > opens up IE > looks over his shoulder at me > "You don't need to be here" > "It's fine" > I need to be there when it happens > he literally starts shaking his mouse really quickly around IE clicking on random parts of the screen > I know because a popup for Home depot came up > he starts muttering to himself... "hmmm... hmmm" > watch him type in adobe reader in google > he dl's it > swings his cursor around some more > and then finally goes > "fucking hackers right?" > we are brothers he and I > IT brothers 
day 40
 > wake up and realize how lucky I truly am not to be fired or worse > see cougar girl walking into the office from parking lot > asks me how things are going > I think we finally put an end to the jitterbug gang > "no, I meant... not work stuff' > look at her strangely then smile. > "Oh you know how it is" > she flicks her hair and then laughs > what the fuck? > "Cool. I'm having problems opening a file...can you open it for me hun?" > sigh > "Yeah sure..." > we walk into her office she's being all flirty > click on the sharepoint link of a pdf file > won't open > download adobe reader > while it's loading I ask her what she's planning on doing on the weekend > "I'm going to the mountains with this guy for our first getaway" > stop adobe reader at 80% > walk right out > I am IT 
day 41
 > this hot yoga girl from events comes into my office > her keyboard keeps typing in french > too busy playing Happy bird to care > "so are you going to help me?" > "if things slow down. I've been swamped today" > "I'm going to fucking kill you" > she waggles her glorious yoga butt away > cute girl, and don't even care anymore just want day to fucking end > I hate this fucking job > all I do is get yelled at and download adobe reader > I cant even find the joy in games any more > Dad walks by > sees I'm looking blue > Dad takes me out for lunch > pats me on the shoulder > "I'm so proud of you son." > to date the company is in fucking shambles > and I still am primarily an adobe reader downloader > but I wouldn't change any of it for his very next words > "I love you son." Thanks guys and thanks Dad for the job. :) Don't forget to download your adobe readers guys. 
I didn't make this, I converted it to text from the imgur images and am working on correcting it occasionally.
submitted by that1communist to funny [link] [comments]

[Table] IAmA: We are scientists working at CERN, home of the Large Hadron Collider and birthplace of the World Wide Web! Ask Us (Almost) Anything!

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2014-06-10
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Questions Answers
How much political input/interference is there in your work? Given that so many nations contribute funding, does conflict ever arise in regards to what you can do? There is fortunately no political input/interference in our work, and this is regardless of our origine or anything. What we do is just pure science! (nm)
Does the name Okabe Rintarou ring a bell? SteinsGate, if I am not wrong. But we don't do time machines yet. Ask me again yesterday, if this has changed in five years.
How much hooking up goes on between the scientists at CERN? Please rate on a scale of "Frostier than Elsa's Ice Palace" to "Sexy Cheerleader Camp group cabin" What I can tell is that there is an intense social life at CERN which I would call inbred: the community at CERN is somewhat special ... Long hours spent at the lab, sometime a geeky attitude, does not favor contacts outside CERN ... end result: I know a lot of people who have found their companion within the community. (TC)
Do you guys do anything classified? CERN is an academic environment and we take lots of efforts to publish results, technical designs, etc. We do not do any military research. Therefore, there is few stuff being "classified". Sometimes, there is a period when we keep information internal until we are sure the results are correct. Thus, basically, you find only the "usual" classified stuff at CERN: payslips, medical records of our employees, passwords, financial information.
That and your time machine research. Oh. Yes. But that has been handed over to SERN.
What does it sound like when you turn it on? (Seriously) When we close the LHC after access, the access console beeps. when we send out timing events to synchronise the equipment, we have an announcer that speaks out a line, that recalls what happened.
For the rest, the control room is far from the equipment, so we don't really hear it... but colleagues told me that at the ISR (another accelerator at CERN), they could hear the beam being dumped with a low pitch boom :) (gp)
Would it be technically or bureaucratically difficult to install microphones to record it next year? We have had microphones installed, to listen to the sound of an asynchronous dump on the collimators :) (gp)
What discovery/research should be getting more publicity than it is? We are doing a lot of research which does not get onto the blogs/newspapers: we have published more than 100 scientific papers on major peer reviewed journals.
Such papers are all about measuring the way Nature works at fundamental level. Today this kind of fundamental research can only be carried out in laboratories like CERN and it is our role to exploit such tools to provide mankind with these measurement which could be the basis of the future 'revolution' in understanding the inner workings of Nature. (TC)
What is each of your's favorite work of fiction involving CERN? I personally love the big bang theory. I can offer a free tour of the LHC control room for authors and actors if they come over to Geneva. (gp)
Bruno Arpaia's "Energia del Vuoto' : I have read the original italian book..do not know if it has ever been translated. (TC)
What common misconceptions do people have about your work i.e. black hole makers? What range of qualification and experience do you and your colleagues have? Common misconceptions are the widely advertised black-hole maker thing, but also the fear of us developing new dangerous 'stuff' (the fact that CERN is doing sub- nuclear research adds to the confusion). Another common misconception on the positive side is to think that we might develop the solution to the energy problems of the world. (TC)
What is the most mind-boggling thing you have learned or experienced in your time working there? Diversity of cultures and being able to work with some of the most brilliant minds has been ( and still is after having been at CERN for 28 years) one of the things I consider a unique feature of CERN. (tc)
Do you have any advice for an undergraduate Physics student aspiring to one day work with you at CERN? Sure! Join CERN as a summer student (too late for this year, I fear) but what about 2015? You'll get hands-on at CERN: weeks of lectures in the morning by professionals, hands-on projects within different CERN groups on your favorite subject, and lots of networking and socializing in the evenings. Meet your peers from all over the world. Sign up here.
I'm a physics undergraduate and I'll be making the move to Geneva to work at CERN for a year as a technical student in 2 weeks! I'm extremely excited. Great! That'll be definitely fun! Wheather is sunny 30degC. Hope that stays!
How's the weather over there? (sl)
Im educated in this field nor smart enough to really understand but i'd love to spend a summer there as a 40 year old summer student. Age does not really count. I have just seen a 40yrs old applicant to our Technical Student programme. But you would need to be enlisted with an university...
What is the coolest thing you've ever had the chance to do in your work at CERN (besides smashing particles together, of course)? I love LEGO. When Google came around and was taking footings of the CERN Computer Centre for their Google Streetview, I had a chance to drop a few LEGO minifigs beforehand. Later we made a treasure hunt of it... Was quite fun. If you want to try yourself, go here. If you want to cheat, solutions are here.
How often are you guys able to predict what discoveries you will make? For example, when you found the Higgs Boson there had already been predictions that it would be found at some point in time, as our technology improved. Are there any other examples of less well known, expected, breakthroughs and does the accuracy of these predictions vary from the different areas of research? It is a good question: the way we work is by theorist assembling the information that we , experimentalists, make into models. Such models besides explaining what we have already observed make also predictions which we try to verify ( the HIggs boson is a notable example). In terms of 'how often' this is the most common situation we are dealing in our daily research life.
There are many other questions ( like why there is an obvious asymmetry between matter and antimatter) where the model builders and the experimentalist are trying to bootstrap each other with continous progress in understanding.
And there have been times where experimentalists have surprised the theorists by discovering new particles which nobody had foreseen ( example the tau lepton) (TC)
How close are you to unifying gravity and quantum mechanics? Not very close yet... This is a big area of research, many people are working on it, there have been some progress already but still a lot of work is needed. (nm)
How do you all decide what projects to study and work on? Are you pretty much given free reign? Is it based on budgetary constraints or what could have profitable applications? Is there someone in charge who gets to say "Hey, we should do more research into black holes" or whatever? As theorists, we are free to work on the projects we wish, depending on what we think more interesting or needed. Experimentalists however have also predecided projects to work on depending on the program and preiorities of the collaborations. We also have sometimes common projects between theorists and experimentalists. (nm)
I am a computer science graduate and will complete my masters next year. besides software engineering my other field of interest is physics. what kind of projects do i embrace so i can one day work at CERN with you? Computer science is everywhere at CERN! The massive amounts of data collected by the physics experiment must be filtered, transferred and stored. "Big Data Analytics" is a good start here. High bandwidth networking another. Mass storage (>100PB/year) a third.
Within the CERN openlab we work with third parties on such research --- so if you want to fiddel with hardware come here.
If you love software design, there are lots of opportunities, too: developping applications to run the LHC, to serve our physicist community, etc.
In brief: Make your field of interest a hobby and sign up as a student with CERN! A good master is an excellent start, but hands-on experience you just can get on the job.
I've come to CERN for my master thesis in telecom engineering, as a technical student, I worked on optical links for CMS. I did also my PhD at CERN, in digital microelectronics. now I am hired as an applied physicist and work in the LHC control room. There is a very wide range of options here!
Definitely look at the student programs! (gp)
How strong is the firewall in CERN computer system?Does hacker often try to pringe into CERN sytem? Q: What is the purpose of a firwall? A: To let traffic through. If we don't need to let traffic through, we would cut the cable...
We use a standard firewall configuration to control traffic. As we serve a world-wide community, there are hundreds of computing services open to the Internet: web servers, SSH gateways, Windows Terminal Servers, conference room booking systems, document stores, web mail servers, etc...
Like any other organization worldwide, these are permanently probed for weaknesses. We monitor this activiely and, so far, successful attacks (detected by us ;-) have been rare.
rare. The usual stuff: web site defacements, stealing/collecting credentials, using CERN as a platform to hop further, misusing computing power for Bitcoin mining, ...
Could you give an example of what happened when a hacker succeeded? I can't imagine there's much trouble a hacker could cause for you guys... (sl)
What do you hope to see happen within physics within your lifetimes? Is there a particular piece of the puzzle that you want solved for closure? There are many puzzles! One of the most intriguing ones though is the nature of dark matter. (nm)
What is it like to work at CERN? Schedules, workloads, commutes, social lives, etc? I love working here, the research and the international environment in particular. my schedule is messy when we have beam, as I take shifts in the control room. the rest of the time, it's normal working hours - which sometimes get extended in case of deadlines that come up.
I live, as many others, close by, so commuting is short (10 minutes). this June many of us are doing bike2work - so I biked in today, the weather is beautiful. my personal interests fit in well also. skiing is close by in between Swiss and French Alps, and the Geneva yoga festival is great too.
What are you most excited to see happen in the near future concerning your respective fields of research? I can't wait to see the beam at high energy, early next year. on the accelerator side, we have a few things that might cause issues that we'll have to work on: electron clouds in the beam pipe, Unidentified Falling Objects, beam instabilities, … it'll be fun! (gp)
Finding new particles that could confirm the predictions of the theories I am working on! That will allow us to finally know what is the correct direction to go beyond the Standard Model of particle physics! (nm)
Comic Sans. Why Comic Sans? Because "Arial" sucks, doesn't it?
How much does your electric bill average each month? A figure I heard is that we use ~180MW on a good day… most of it taken by the accelerator complex. (gp)
Is there a secret duplicate LHC, like they did for the machine in the movie Contact, in case some crazy-ass incident occurs? No! (nm)
Whats the process of decieding which particles you smash together? do you just take random shit and throw it together or are there scientific reasonings for it? Concerning the LHC, it was designed to do proton-proton, and lead-lead. then we also did proton-lead, and lead-proton, which is less obvious that what it sounds like.
I guess what I want to say is that it depends on the physics goals.
Whats your favorite part out using scientific linux, or worst part? Btw, pretty cool that cern has adopted linux for research! I take the chance to point to this picture… I'm in it and the captions are not 100% true. (gp)
What impact will funding have on future research? Today's fundamental research is based on tools which require investment (that has always been the case , but in the past this funding was at the level of individual research institutes or of national initiative). Today not even 'continental' investment can cope with the needs of fundamental research. So if we want to progress further there will be need of substantial investment. For example in the last 12 months it has been decided to exploit fully the potential of the LHC accelerator :in order to exploit the potential of the improved accelerator we will need improved detectors. These do not come for free ...
So yes, funding will be essential for fully exploiting what the LHC accelerator can tell us ( and that might be a lot ... as there a lot of unaswered questions like what is dark matter, why is our universe made of matter and so on ) (TC)
So, now you have the higgs. what's next? We have to measure all the Higgs properties as precisely as we can! We also have new models to go beyond the Standard Model of particle physics and there are active searches ongoing at CERN to look for new particles. (nm)
It seems like lots of students are (appropriately) wowed by CERN and go on to pursue advanced degrees in HEP-ex and HEP-th. Do you think there is a real risk of overcrowding the field? The field has been 'regulating' its market since ever: we have statistics showing that less than 40% of the PHDs formed in CERN experiments remain in the Academic/Research world. The rest find quickly their way into the 'outside' world. The main reasons we have identified for the popularity of our students are : not being afraid of trying to solve problems, no matter how difficult, ability to evolve in a multinational/multicultural environment, ability to work in large teams, being exposed to state of the art software/electronic techniques. (TC)
What would make the LHC look like old tech in the near future? I'm guessing not a "larger" one. And don't forget the newest idea: the FCC (gp)
As the group that helped develop the web, what is your opinion on the current issues of Net Neutrality and the NSA's use of the Internet to spy on citizens of the world? Some personal view: The World Wide Web created 25 years ago at CERN (WWW: “Let’s share What We knoW”) provided a global platform and unique opportunity for people to communicate, to collaborate and to share at unprecedented scale and speed. The accessibility and openness of the internet are crucial to enabling new ideas to flourish and compete with the long-standing traditions and to ensure that the evolution of the web continues to proceed at a pace limited only by our ideas. However, with this capability comes considerable responsibility with all of us – whether politicians, lawmakers, scientists or citizens – to preserve an open internet and a free web for the benefit of humankind.
How close are we towards a GUT? Is their some technical aspect holding us back or is it something else? No, I would say we have to verify the GUT model predictions experimentally at the LHC and there are ongoing searches... (nm)
Stefan Lüders, "Head of Computer Security" Actually, I followed a typical CERN career-by-chance. I am educated physicist, turned into control system engineer, investigated security stances of control systems, and then joined the security team with what I learned. Most of the time, I coordinate implementations, provide guidance, and help people to make their products more secure. It's more facilitating and enabling than hard-core security. However, my team consists of white hats who know the techniques much better than I do :-)
I didn't know CERN hired security experts, what does your job entail mostly? For the supa hacka, I would love to learn how he/she would get world domination by hacking into CERN. Sounds like bad reconnaissance...
Also, a more humorous question... are any of you afraid of being hacked by a "supa hacka" who is aware of your schemes and desire for world domination? John Titor 2014. (sl)
Any advice for a high school student trying to get into physics and particle physics in specific? Study hard and keep your eyes open for scholarships (gp)
How long does a test last? And how long between these tests? At the LHC, from a beam dump to the next stable beams it takes at least 2 hours. then we keep the beams in collisions for up to 10-15 hours. then start over. at the experiments, they pack up data from the collisions for years. (gp)
I'm sure you experience work-related pressures and irritations like the rest of us, but you're doing a very special job. Have you ever had a particularly satisfying moment that reminded you, "this is why I work here?" First turn of the beam in the LHC in 2009 - my fifth day on the job. I looked at my boss and whispered: "thanks for hiring me". (gp)
Is there any concept in physics that you look at and think "what the heck is going on here?" Yes ..all the time when confronted with the subtleties of Quantum Mechanics..and every time I dig into it I keep learning more (TC)
What are some (interesting) questions you can't answer? There are many, and that's why we do research! A few examples: how to explain the matter-antimatter asymmetry. Or what is dark matter. Or are there more than 3 quark/lepton families? And many more! (nm)
Please explain what you mean by "dumping the beam when it's depleted". This sounds like something that is required after a jump through hyperspace, and sounds very interesting. The beam gets dumped whenever it is not interesting for physics anymore (and the operators decide to extract it), or whenever anything on the accelerator side goes wrong (and Machine Protection takes care of extracting it automatically).
By means of a special set of magnets, with very fast rise times, the beam gets extracted from the main ring to a special place, the beam dump itself, where it hits a huge block of graphite and scatters its energy.
Last updated: 2014-06-14 10:45 UTC
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